“I was about 12-13 when I first saw it. I remember standing in the back of a bus leaning to the rear window and watching the road behind. I spotted something on the glass of a window. It first seemed like a vague refraction of light but then I understood that it was actually slightly moving across the window. It felt like floating behind the bus at the same distance and it had a shape of a little bird, the way the children draw it in a simplified way, just two crescents bonded together at one point, and it had the same colorless texture as the glass I was looking at. Although it was something unknown to me, it wasn’t unreal and didn’t feel like a delusion. It’s like when your own mind responsible for giving you a judgment of real or unreal, tells you it is real and from that moment it becomes part of the factual knowledge. I remember that moment quite clear although the rest of the memories of those years seem quite dim now. The only thing I’m sure of is that since then it became a continuous experience and the original picture was developing into something much bigger.
What I see today is a full sight projection. It contains different elements of some dynamic substance that is manifested in my eyes together with the reflected light. In its form it’s transparent, colorless and fractional. If I try to compare it with something, the main images coming to my head would be the cellular fabric as seen in the microscope, a stream of hot air seen from a distance or the figure of an alien predator dissembling himself in a Shwarzenegger movie (forget about the last one:)
This projection is permanently at my sight, although it is best seen with an intense reflected light in my eyes, for instance in a bright sky, on the water surface etc. In this case all the elements of this substance are distinguishable in all the details. In darker conditions I can only see the contours or shades of certain elements. This projection is perfectly natural for me, it doesn’t obstruct in any way my normal sight and when I don’t pay attention in most cases it stays unnoticed. It is quite difficult to give a description of it and I don’t think I can be 100% accurate in this. But I’m going to try and give you a general idea.
The most distinguishable elements of this projection are the chains composed of segments reminding in their structure some cellular fabric as seen in the microscope. They can all be divided into two groups: the ones with a definite recognizable form and the ones built in a more random order. Their movement in my eyesight is a combination of their independent slow motion (descent) from top of the sight to its bottom and their rapid shifts linked to the eyeball movements. Thus, they shift within this projection following the eye movements, at the same time slowly descending towards the sight’s bottom. Most of the elements contained in my sight at any single moment stay in its peripheral parts and only few of them can be seen in direct focus. If I try to move my eyes towards those out of focus they distance themselves shifting in the same direction as the eyeball.
What I’ve just described is the first level of this projection. On this level I can only take “snapshots” of its elements, which means that while I’m observing these elements, they stay practically in the same combination and disposition only moving in my sight in the way I described above. Once I stop looking, they start changing and I get a completely different picture every time I look again. Thus, the whole creative process stays out of my sight.
But there’s another level where I can see some kind of creative movement. When I concentrate on any point of this projection making my eyesight shorter, I start distinguishing some chaotic movement of radiant particles (I can see tens of them in the focus and each one moves in its own trajectory). I can only see those in bright conditions.
Returning to the above mentioned two groups of elements, the first group now includes three elements, each one possessing its own definite form. They are able to change within this specified form coming in different sizes and fashions but still being recognizable. They are always present in my sight but most of the time they remain in its peripheral parts. Their appearance in the immediate focus depends on the psychological conditions (I will tell about those later). Apart from their definite form, another distinction is their absolute clarity and transparency as well as a certain completeness of their shape. They also have different dynamics compared to the second group of elements, which is characterized by delayed speed of descent but faster reaction to the eyeball movements.
The history of the first group was closely connected to the development of the projection in general. The first element to emerge was the one with a shape of a “bird”. It’s been there from the start but in my early years I remember it increasing in its size and also during a certain period of time I remember being able to see multiple elements of this form (but different sizes and fashions) at the same time. Now I can only see one element of this shape at any single moment.
When I was 22 there emerged the second element of a more complex form but similar characteristics. Both of these elements could stay in my sight simultaneously but always in different peripheral parts and only appeared in its focus apart. In my 25 emerged the third element that paired together with the first one. Now at each “snapshot” it can be seen disposed under the first element (as a kind of underlined base to it) moving at the same speed. The distance between them changes from one “snapshot” to another and when they’re drifted closer to each other they change their fashions in such a way that part of their contours are disposed alongside.
There’s a difference in what is perceived by my left and right eyes. Regarding these three elements, I found out that my right eye distinguishes the first and the third elements and the left eye the second one.
The particular distinction of the second group of elements is their greater diversity and volatility. Although there are some elements in this group that are being recognizable to me, their resemblance is much less evident and less frequent. The most distinguishable of these elements are the complex chains that have a darker and more intense fabric compared to the elements of the first group. Their contours are more nebulous and at the peripheral sight they seem more like shades. Some of the elements of this group are seen as partly immersed (dissolved) in their environment (that is undistinguishable but the existence of which can be concluded). The elements of this group also have different dynamics. They are faster in their descent but characterized by a certain inertia of their movement following the eyeball movements, which means that in most cases I can relocate any particular element from the periphery to the sight focus by means of a few eye shifts.
Talking about the characteristics of this projection the most important to me seems its psychological aspect. None of what is going on inside of it can be considered as a mere mechanical process and I will try to ground this on my own perception of its different elements.
Thus, the elements of the first group seem to me as prominent and most vital. They have their own order of appearance in the sight focus that is linked to the processes of perception, thought and memory. They can never be brought about by means of a simple observation, they always appear unconsciously (against my own will). Thus, the first element can be described as a “witness” of the mental processes, it appears in immediate sight focus when my mind is busy with something or concentrated on a certain external object.
On the other hand I can observe the elements of the second group in different numbers at any state of mental activity. In my perception they are the secondary in regard to the elements of the first group. Herewith their dark and more intense fabric reflect their somewhat material, “earthly” quality. Based on my own perception, these elements can also be divided into active and passive (obsolete). The latter prevail in such states as immediately after waking up.
Finally, on the level of “elementary particles”, when I say about their chaotic movement, I mean that it could seem such to the outsider, while my own perception of those is that although I cannot control every single one, in their complex they reflect my own way of thought, thus I am myself the cause and the order of their movement…”
Anton, 27 y.o.